Emotional injuries as part of a holistic approach

There comes an age, about 3-4 years, depending on the child, when they test our limits and are very curious how we react. For them our reaction is WOW! They manage to turn us with a small gesture into something they have never seen before. They probably look at us like cartoons. From smiles and cuddles we turn into screaming, angry, reproachful, emotionally blackmailing, etc. monsters.

Well, if we at all their mischief we go out of our way and have transformative reactions, then they will do this more and more often. For example "don't slam the door" you say it once nicely, he seems to get it. In 20 minutes he slams again. If we shout then, they will certainly do it much more often and louder. Because they are very curious about how one of their actions has transformed us adults.

Here we have two choices:

1.  or we don't get angry and we say as gently and lovingly "try to close the door nice and gently, please" and we gently explain why, then go about our business. The child will understand in time. We also help him with a doorstop, showing him how to stop slamming the door. We do that as often as necessary.
2.  or shout even louder and we INVOLUNTARILY start emotional aggression. In this choice, we begin to transmit fear to the child. This is the moment when he no longer sees us as his protector, no matter what, but notices that we can hurt him. He will be afraid, we "put fear into the child", we hurt him emotionally. Emotionally scarred and brutalised, he won't slam the door.

It just didn't solve anything. The kid's traumatised. He'll stop slamming the door, he'll do other things, he'll try something else to see what happens. For example, he'll slam a toy and make such a big, permanent noise that you as a parent will have an uncontrolled reaction again. "What is it? I told you 1000 times, what don't you understand? Go to your room!!! You don't see any more toys." You'll end up threatening your child for everything, you'll feel that they defy you and you will become their enemy.

He will do more and more "don'ts", until... he won't do anything out of fear. And he'll be so emotionally scarred that he'll withdraw, without friends, without initiative, without self-confidence, and he'll start out in life like that. But it doesn't end there.

With all the fear and trauma, there comes a point in life when they realise the abuse and will distance themselves from the abuser, i.e. the parent who failed to manage and understand small gestures. And we often see single parents who don't understand why their children are far away and get a weekly phone call and that out of obligation and superficiality.

It's only now, really now, that your child defies you, ignores you. Now when your child is 30, 40, 50. Now it's so late to do anything....

It's the reason why Romania has lonely, abandoned and sad old people.